Insecurity
I have always considered myself a little insecure, but determined. For example, I used to attend professional conferences to maintain my actuarial skill set and keep it up to date as the world changed. These conferences lasted about 2 ½ days and offered different sessions to choose from. There were hundreds of actuaries from all over the United States who attended each conference.
My goal in attending these was to sharpen my actuarial knowledge by going to my selected sessions. Additionally, and harder for me, I was determined to take advantage of the social activities included. You see, they had continental breakfasts, lunch speakers and social hours at the end of the day. Each of these required me to sit and make small talk with people I may or may not know. For an introvert like me, that is exhausting. I knew I had been successful when I told someone I was an introvert and they replied they didn’t believe me.
Back to my insecurity. I have always wanted to succeed in everything I attempt. I convinced myself that my dedication to the group and its objectives was what drove me to want to succeed.
Today, I was driving with the radio turned to my favorite Christian station. The DJ, who happens to be an artist herself, mentioned she was telling a trusted friend about her insecurity. The friend looked at her and told her it could be the sin of pride. She explained that if your insecurity is being driven by a desire to look good to others, that is pride.
“And he said to them, ‘Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?’ (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.’” - Mark 7:18-23 ESV
Now, I’m thinking about all the times I got nervous corporately praying or bringing up thoughts in a Bible study and wondering whether that nervousness was my pride in wanting to look like a Godly man.
“How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. The highway of the upright turns aside from evil; whoever guards his way preserves his life. Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be of a lowly spirit with the poor than to divide the spoil with the proud. Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord. The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” - Proverbs 16:16-21
I’m going to have to wrestle with this for a while yet. Do I desire to do a good job for God or for me?
