Unselfishness

Whenever my wife or I get the idea to go out and grab a bite, the inevitable question comes up as to where to go. Usually, the conversation goes something like this…

“Wanna go get something to eat?”

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

“It was my idea to go out. Where do you want to go?”

And so on. I could make a gender joke by implying my wife wants me to read her mind and pick the place she really wants to go. Or I could joke that, being a man, if I say I don’t have a place in mind, it’s because my mind is blank. But, while comedically true, that’s not the direction I want to go.

We were raised (and I’d bet real money we raised our son) to be unselfish, even if it means we must give up what we want for another person. For example, the response “I don’t know, where do you want to go?” can either communicate the person doesn’t have a preference or, if they do, they are willing not to communicate it in case the other person has a different preference. We were raised to do this to be polite, like holding a door open or giving up your seat for an older person.

There is nothing wrong with trying to be polite. However, the question I ask myself is why? If I’m trying not to share what I want in case the other person has a preference, am I doing it for the other person or because I think I’m a better person for doing it? You’re probably thinking, “What the heck is the difference?”

I’ve mentioned I’m studying a C.S. Lewis daily devotion this year. It just so happens my reading today was an excerpt from “The Weight of Glory.” In it, Lewis opines that if he asked 20 men what they thought the highest virtue was, they’d reply “unselfishness” (the 20th person would reply “love”). He referred to the virtue of unselfishness as being a negative term. Instead of securing good things for others, we focus on going without.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.” - Matthew‬ ‭16‬:‭24‬-‭27‬ ‭ESV‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

We are told by our Lord and Savior to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him. This is the positive love virtue. If I give in and abandon what I want because I love the other person, then this is taking up my cross and following God. If I do it to pat myself on the back that I’m a virtuous person, then I’m sinning. I’m figuring out that so many thoughts or actions aren’t sinful in and of themselves. However, the reason or thought behind them is what can make them sinful. As humans, all we see is the outside behavior. God sees the outside behavior and the inside motivation. If that doesn’t humble you, nothing will.